Howzit my chinas
you're tuned in to the News World Order
with me your host Bill de Berg, hard-truths reporter
I heard you're seeking some form of closure
so here's an update as we march deeper into glorious dystopia
Ja... things have taken a lekker turn hey?
The world's unravelling, tensions rising, sabres rattling
ISIS up in yo airports, fake economies faltering
immigrants crossing all of your imaginary borders
And worst of all, you oaks don’t even know what's happening
since Rap News wrapped up, sending you all scrambling
Now there’s no more Robert Foster here to explain
and even Prince and Bowie ascended to another plane.
But don't worry, I've come back to offer some assistance
in a once-off Rap News special edition
on the year's final tragedy: the US election
Let's get right down to action, with Hillary Clinton.
- First Lady in the White House, bitches
Y'all about to witness the first ever female POTUS
No more dicks, only ovaries up in the Oval Office
- Welcome Hillary, what makes you the top pick for voters?
- Bill, the sad truth of it is we're losing our grip
the current neoliberal order has taken numerous hits
the structure is crumbling and the world is suffering under it
struggling, and now people have had it with the one per cent
Debt, austerity, all spreading like cancers
People are hungry for a cure and thirsty for answers
for a commander who cares instead of one who merely panders...
- You mean someone like Bernie Sanders?
- Exactly, that's why we berned his nomination chances
with backroom media deals and dirty slanders
Debbie landed one of the most scandalous gerrymanders
And that's why I'm the top Democratic candidate
- Ahh Hillary, such a pro at dealing with Libtard chumps
But will that be enough? Now we meet the c***
whose rise has left many, including himself stumped
What makes you the best nominee, Donald Trump?
- I'm smart, I know words, all the best words
like, tremendous, terrific and... believe me, all the best words.
But to Make America Great again, we need action
by bringing back the haydays of racism and fascism
Check my list: incite rabid nationalism
blame our problems on Jews... I mean Muslims and Mexicans
call on rivals to be killed, or imprisoned
support the use of torture, especially for my critics
Also, I'm very rich. Sure I've made some folks homeless
But not paying employees is how I got this loaded
The country’s just another company, we all know this
And this is why it's me that needs to be the CEO-TUS
Coz all I do is win win win, no matter what
Got money on my mind I can never get enough
And every time I sound more like the Fuhrer
Everybody's hands go up...
And they stay high,
And they say 'heil'!
- You're rated as the most hated candidates in history
Impressive! How did you to achieve this? Hillary?
- Oh Bill, it's easy when you're a corporate shill like me
We sold out families to our masters on Wall Street
Now working classes are angry and highly peeved
at being betrayed by elites from Ivy Leagues...
- I agree, that's why they're flying to me
Il Douche, the strongman they need. Or so they're led to believe
- You stand no chance against my loyal Hill-bots
despite all my epic fails, from gay-marriage flip-flops
to leaked emails, the american people
are left with no option but to opt for the lesser evil
- Lesser evil? More like a war criminal, and a liar
probably sold a ton of arms to the Saudis just in the past hour
- ha ha ha ha ha ha hahaaaaa
Did I mention that I landed here under sniper fire?
- Trust me, we’re not safe under this vile statist
- A whole lot safer than under a frickin child rapist
A small-time dick-tator, with a small...
- That's it! I have BIG hands, look at the size of these hands bitch!
Well it's safe to say that, either way, we're guaranteed
the USA will have a great Commander in Grief
But do you wonder what this debate would be like
if it featured true alternatives from the Left and the Right?
Let's find out, shall we?
- Jill Stein for the Greens here spilling some real messages
Hillary's a disgrace to any self-respecting feminist
You want a woman in the White House?
Well, here's one who isn't a corporate sell-out slashing your benefits
one who doesn't bomb kids in the streets
and prop up their oppressors in the Middle East
or who receives funding from brutal regimes
supports coups in Honduras then deports refugees
- Yo yo yo Gary Johnson on the mic, wassuuup!
Republicans, dudes, you need to lighten uuuup
the GOP is over, that's right it's done
Forget Aleppo, somebody help me light this blunt
Coz first thing I'll do when I'm the Prez
is legalise weed and ban Income Tax instead
cut the military budget by 43 per cent
abolish the IRS and dismantle the Fed
- If I'm elected I'ma put an end to all student debt
Fuck the banks, bail out the next generation!
- Support marriage equality, embrace immigration
so I can get blazed with everyone of all nations
- Honestly, forget these lofty sermons 'n dreams
the only person with serious policies is Vermin Supreme
Working a scheme to fight the Zombie apocalypse
Who else will be ready when the monsters stomp ya metropolis?
Then I'll solve the whole energy crisis by putting them zombies
on giant hamster-wheel devices
Defeat ISIS with daily glitter bombing
and kill baby Hitler with time-travel technology
My Tooth brushing laws are a special development
Get your shiney smiling teeth looking very excellent
It's time for the first glitter wizard President
vote for me n there'll be free ponies for All Americans
- I'm a doctor, here's some free medical wisdom
we need to fix the cancer of this two-party prison
- It's the only way to cure this sick political system
- So America - Vote your conscience, this election!
- Thanks third-party candidates, that may be so
Sadly though, we control the media
which means we can block you from the show and most voters will never know
the better options that you offer to the status quo
So if you're content with the lesser evil: Vote Hillary
It'll fan the very flames of discontent
that are fuelling fascist sentiments, and personally I can't wait to see
how much more threatening the next Trump will be
Or fuck it, vote Trump, if you're really feeling courageous!
I've always wanted to try living in The Dark Ages
ja kids, it's great to witness history in the making
but watching it repeat, is even more entertaining
Or maybe you'll surprise me and see the light:
By building a movement that truly unites Left and Right
Re-includes the disencfranchised in the nation's life
And declares war on your common enemy: corporate might
I'll be back next election, sisters and brothers
assuming of course that there will even be another
to discover which history you'll choose to write
Till then - Bill de Berg, for Rap News, goodnight.
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