- Bonjour! Guten Tag! Γειά σου or hello!
This edition we're transmitting direct from the Eurozone,
where the stage is set for civil unrest,
as member states compete in The EuroDiVision Contest.
On one side, we have the 'Troika', united together
to bail out the banks and balance their side of the ledger,
deploying a plethora of new austerity measures
that have brought poverty and misery to many EU areas.
While on the left, we have the general populace
which has responded to austerity with a chorus of protest.
To learn more we get the latest from The EuroDiVision Contest,
commencing with... - La République hellénique de la Grèce!
- Greece in the streets with belief and a molotov cocktail.
We'll defeat these elite policies, the polis will not fail!
But the Euro will, unless Berlin approves another bail out.
By the way, the bill for your war crimes needs to be paid now.
- Espagne! - We stand with Greece! Ya basta!
Podemos, we can, be free from this EU disaster!
Children are famished, people are homeless. We have to protest.
Elites call it chaos. We call this democratic progress!
- Irlande! - Austerity here has been just as merciless
job losses, corrupt bosses, cuts to public services
Water double taxed, leaking mass amounts
while the rich slip their riches in Swiss bank accounts.
- Hey, Malakas, you owe Greece money, too!
In fact, all of the EU must pay a fee whenever they use
the words "Europe" and "Democracy", or we gonna sue!
It's all Greek copyright, and the bill is overdue.
- So we've heard the passionate verbal
displays of some of the victims which austerity has encircled.
Now, to learn what the judges make of that, we turn to
the first arbiter: Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel
- That was just terrible; a drab batch of glandular gurgles.
You lack talent, vitality, originality; purpose.
Angela Merkel, the Angel of Debt, Bismarck in this bitch
Queen of the Eurozone; holding all the bargaining chips.
What is this shit? Especially you Greeks: Arschgeigen!
You want another bailout? First, you need to tighten your belts:
sell your islands, privatize the Acropolis,
and for fick's sake, pay your taxes, I've had enough this!
And Spain! That was lame, you make me smirk.
Podemos? 'We can'? Ja, you can... get back to work!
And Ireland, thanks for trying to display your talent.
but the chips are down like the potato famine.
Listen up Euro-Peons: the social contract is dead.
We said austerity was temporary,
but instead it's your new way of life; so just get used to it now.
Cheer up: I know how to ruin, I mean run Europe... into the ground
- Danke schoen, Frau Merkel. We now join this next
judge on our panel, to share standpoints with us:
We welcome the Marxist theorist, adroit critic,
Slovene philosopher and academic, Slavoj Žižek.
- My God, I have to clap hands
at this Revolutionary potential! it's sensual, erotic, like a lap-dance
in a Freudian kind of way. You know Lacan?
Because all this reminds me of the film 'Batman'
That one where the hero arrives to save our rights
But he is actually a capitalist, dressed in armour like
A fascist, or a feudalist... you know: "the Dark Knight".
And look how they frame the criminals that he starts to fight:
As anarchists, like Joker; or as activists, like Bane
and so on and so on... And so who is this Bruce Wayne?
Mythologically, you know, he is like a new sort of Hades,
Greek God of the Underworld, Lord of the wealthy.
And his brother Zeus kidnapped Europa: a Cretan.
OK, OK, so the hidden message Hollywood is leaving is clear then:
First: people of Europe, you are all cretins.
Second: you must just trust your capitalist rulers,
even if they look like masked fascists and striding tyrants,
because only they can save you from the rising tide of crime
and violence and spiralling cycle of anarchy.
But if we look behind the stupid masks using psychoanalyses,
we see the real criminals are the Governments and Banks
who have declared a disgusting Class War on the welfare state.
But the people of Europe have seen the rank scams and imposters
and are in the street saying, "Fuck you, Bank-man and Robbers".
- Hvala, Žižek for that intricate Marxist syllabus
We now cross over dialectically, in search of a synthesis,
to the last judge; a person with influence, presently in charge
of the IMF, Madame Christine Lagarde.
- Bonjour, les esclaves, Ça va? - Uh... Oui... très bon
- I love the sex... er... debt-slaves in this competition!
Oh là là! So much pain and moaning, it's quite the turn on.
But I think we need to have a little history lesson:
In Europe you call it 'Austerity' but we have another slogan
for the IMF it's known as 'Structural Adjustment Programs'.
And we just love to impose them
in poor Third World homelands. Check how it goes then:
We lend poor nations money to "assist" their "development"
But first some petites little conditions have to be met:
Step One: Privatisation! Sell ALL public assets.
Next: market liberalisation to attract foreign capitalists;
Devaluing their currency and safety standards in their borders
and cutting subsidies for basic needs like fuel, food and water.
And once the masses starve and are down on their knees...
Step Three: Watch the riots break out in the streets!
- Sounds familiar... - What, you don't like that particular game?
Oh, désolée! I didn't hear you ever object or complain
when we did it to others and you had profits to make.
- But why subject your own citizens to these strictures and pain?
- Because, mon chéri, this is a pyramid scheme.
It's part of the plan: at first we let you live in the dream.
But then it's your turn to get reamed; so now, s'il vous plaît
bend over, relax and enjoy this austérité.
- Merci. Well, we've heard from all sides then... Oh... wait,
it seems the EuroDiVision Contest is not quite over yet...
I'm told there is a late arrival, a wild card entry?
It's hard to see... it's... a contestant from...
- L'Australie.
- Yo I'm dropping in on this competition
to say, on behalf of Indigenous mobs and citizens
that austerity is nothing new to all the people living
under centuries of European colonial systems. And we're still in it.
But I'm not here to hate on ya, brothers and sisters
I'm here to cheer on your tough resistance
'cos mate, we can see that you too have been colonised,
even more than we have, 'cos at least we can recognise it.
- Should the people protest and elect? - yep, but don't forget:
A system cannot fail those it was never meant to protect.
- So the solution. - Forget Occupy. You've done enough of that
Decolonise Europe and do it STAT!
- L'Australie, Douze Points!
- And with that message we end our coverage
of the EuroDivision contest. Thanks to all our guests and judges.
We've witnessed noble acts of rhetoric and courage
bold attacks on systemic power structures.
So how do we make sense of this current EU crisis?
Is it just economics and budgets? Is there a class war behind it?
Or has colonisation, normally aimed at other nations and continents
been redeployed against Europe's own populace?
Seeking answers we've explored those very narratives,
From the streets of Madrid and Frankfurt, to the Kimberleys and Athens,
where austerity advances and History is Happening.
Stay tuned for more juice, when Rap News is back again.
Captions by koolfy Translation to by