Robert Foster on top roster with perfect precision,
flipping this transmission of rap news journalism.
This edition, we're shocked by the apparent surplus surfeit of
worsening urgent news stories that in the world have arisen:
Deadly epidemics;
an airliner shot down by militants;
Giant sinkholes confirm dire climate change predictions;
The slaughter of women and children;
fascism;
and if that's not sufficient, we lost Robin Williams.
How does humanity manage to cope and survive,
with all of these calamities happening all at the same time?
To find out, tonight we'll tune in to the mainstream media line.
Hold on tight...
I'll see you on the other side.
- Turn off the rest!
Tune in to the best of the best!
I'm Brian Washington.
One of the vets of this nation's press.
The time is six. Switch on your television sets.
to get your daily fix of headlies right here on MSMBS.
In Gaza: Hamas attacks Israeli missiles with children.
In Russia: Could these sink-holes be a new source of free heating?
In Ferguson... umm... nothing is happening...
World mourns death of Robin Williams, national tragedy.
In our main story: the Mid Oil East is attacked
by a group of ruthless savages.
For deep analysis we have an exclusive interview with General Baxter.
General, a massive new threat to world peace...?
- I know exactly what you mean:
Everything would be going great, actually improving,
in The American Empire, or Planet Earth, as some refer to it,
if it wasn't for that cavalier racketeer, Vladimir Putin
Thanks to him, it's become a dangerous planet here for humans.
- Putin? - Frickin' Putin!
He's on a killing-spree:
It was his missile that blew flight MH17 to smithereens!
- In March he launched "Operation: Crimea and Punishment",
- Now he's set to march in and invade Ukraine. - Astonishing.
Seizing territory, giving weaponry to extremist lunatics...
- Honestly... No surprise those arms are used to commit atrocities.
- Who would ever do such a thing?
- I know, right? Despicable!
- In other news: what's the latest from the State of Israel?
- We're sending our buddy Bibi plenty of weapons and munitions.
No surprise, those arms are used in heroic self-defense missions.
- "Operation: Cropping-the-Hedge" was a crowd-pleaser.
- It was a hell of a pinpoint operation, a cutting-edge procedure;
hitting the terrorist's human shields with the deftest precision
in schools, hospitals, ambulances, UN shelters, even.
- Very efficient! We'll be right back... after this message
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- Welcome back. Many are calling for boycotts and sanctions. Your reaction?
- No question. Putin deserves punitive action;
he's even arming Bashar Al-Asshole, a madman assassin,
who's massacring Syrian civilians by the thousands
in a civil war that shows no signs of subsidence
Thankfully, we armed Syrian rebel groups to avert a crisis!
- You mean groups like ISIS?
- Yes! I mean no. Well kind of...
- Hold that thought, General, let's give our audience some guidance
Who is ISIS? What are they seeking to do?
Fortunately, they're very active on social media too,
where they cunningly disseminate their hateful deviant views.
Watch their latest viral video by a recent recruit
- Yo... Infidels better listen.
Yo, so check it, this is I.S., For you kuffs this is scary.
You're now face to face with the formidable adversary.
We're ready to carry out beheadings in any enemy village
and spread our rigid medieval beliefs on the Twitter feed, innit.
We're the military force straight blamming you back far
turning your own weapons back on you, yelling Allahu Akbar!
Gotta be rock stars with rocket launchers, jacking armoured cars,
Destined to bring Sharia Law direct to your back yard.
Yeah, get ready, infidels!
It's time for the flames.
We go Psycho and stab a knife right in your brains.
First we take Iraq and leave the Sykes-Picot lines all erased
then redraw the world map with the design Allah wanted made
- Timmy! Dinner time! - But, mum...
- Downstairs, now.
You can do Jihad later
- General, what do you make of all this?
- Bucky, these creeps are total scumbag jihadis
Led by the Mack-Daddy of Iraqi Baddies, Bakr Al-Baghdadi
- I heard he's eighty times eviler than Osama Bin Laden. - Probably.
- So which tyrant is giving these lunatics weaponry?
- Uh... well, remember how in two thousand and three
we liberated Iraq... and then armed the Iraqi army,
after we finished destroying the Iraqi army with our army? - Yes.
- ...the arms we armed the Iraqi army with
couldn't defend the Iraqis and got hijacked as ISIS armaments.
So now we're dropping our bombs to bomb the bombs
we gave to them Iraqis to make Iraq safe...
to make Iraqis safe again.
Now I.S. is on the rampage, expanding the caliphate.
It's a reverse crusade, and these fanatics love to decapitate and cut necks
- And they're coming for us next.
- That is correct, this could well be worse than 9-11 if left unchecked.
- So what can we do to stop them? How can we fight this?
- We must expand � 'Operation Unintentionally Support ISIS'
by arming the Kurds, the Yazidis and Malaysian airliners.
That should put a stop to Putin inciting all this violence.
- Silence! - What the?! Stand by while we fix our devices.
- Sheeple! I've arrived to leak the lies of the Mainstream Media tyrants
- Who the heck are you? - Terrence Moonseed, from the League of Defiance
I've hijacked the feed to bring you the truth hiding behind these events
these child deaths in the news are heathen sacrifices
by the Illuminati. check their symbol: see where the line is?
Divide it, that's an I and an S, multiply it. What does it 'spell'?
'ISIS'! the Egyptian goddess protector of the dead and children...
That's right, kids!
But that's just the surface of the crisis upon us:
Three massive sink-holes have appeared in the Yamal province.
You think it's coincidence Yamal means �'End of the World'?
Forget methane! Those're tunnels for the elite to escape into the hollow Earth
once Obama brings the Ebola Bioweapon to America.
- What do you mean? - Untested 'vaccine' injections are spreading it beyond the African Area.
Next is FEMA quarantine and militarised police to purge us when
they bring in Martial Law: just look at Ferguson!
The whole world is about to go Shazbot.
It's a plot by the Freemasons. - Is this guy free-basing?
- Only the Pleiadian aliens can save us! - Ridiculous!
- It's no laughing matter, dork!
They've deprived us of laughter by staging the death of Mork.
- Sorry, that was just... uh... static in the satellite dish
- Lies! - What!?
- Terrence is back like a virus; I'm wireless
- Now look here, I'm the host...
- Pfft... you're just the hoax...
- Ugh… now you understand why we tortured some folks?
- Everybody listen! The "news" is just a form of escapism.
They make us live in comforting delusions by weaving
improbable elaborate narratives to explain the system.
But the truth is succinct and plausible:
Reptilians! - You idiot blowhead... forget your Prozac dosage?
- Shut up, Baxter! Don't you have an Afghani corpse to pose with?
- You ass-candle. - Now calm down. This is a serious news channel.
Up next: "Celebrity Pet Scandals"
- Alright... I think we've witnessed enough
to get a sense of how we cope in the midst of the flood
Of overwhelming catastrophies that's building up:
Be it Mainstream or Moonseed,
the news feed performs an indispensable function
as a sort of medicinal crutch
that aids us on a daily basis to deal with the crushing gravity of the tragedies and other maladies
that keep humanity gripped in their clutch.
Fortunately, here at Rap News we like to say:
Fuck that shit, do not adjust the language,
give us truth of injustice, candid, untampered with
free from fanciful narratives, savage ironies un-redacted;
for the Juice is the only remedy that can vanquish it.
Captions created by .koolfy -INSERT LANGUAGE HERE- translation by -INSERT NAME HERE-