Welcome to Rap News, your news source, for the latest report
beaming forth from planet Earth, where humanity loves nothing more
than being entertained, amused, entranced, enthused and enthralled
by a popular global ritual commonly known as "Sport". That's right, Sport.
For as we talk, a third of all humans are tuned-in, with volume turned up,
to the biggest of all sporting events: the World Cup,
which is being hosted in football's very own mecca: Brazil.
Citizens there must be delighted and thrilled, so join us as we'll
cross to Rio to speak to one of the happy people.
- Oi, galera! tudo bem? - Tudo ottimo, and you?
- Não! Tudo terrível! - Everything terrible? but why? Not enjoying o jogo bonito?
- Futebol is beautiful, but there is corrupção here that's evil.
- Corruption? - Tem certeza! When we heard about the World Cup, we said 'Beleza!'
But from Sao Paulo, and Rio, to Fortaleza, the people are in need of
educação, saúde, habitação, comida.
But instead our taxes are used to feed the piranha FIFA!
- Hold it right there!
- They're here! - You are under arrest
- Ai! Caralho!
- Stay calm soccer fans, we have enforced and restored peace.
Please continue to enjoy World Cup twenty fourteen!
- What's this here? - We've taken control of Brazil. Bom dia.
- And you are? - William de Berg, representing THIEFA.
- Uh welcome back, Bill, so is the World Cup bringing joy all round?
- It is bringing us lank amounts, and that's what counts.
Check our bank accounts: This is our biggest World Coup of all time:
Thirty billion bucks; more than all three previous Cups combined.
- It seems Brazilians would prefer 'FIFA-quality' homes instead;
better schools and hospitals. They're striking, calling protests...
- Ach Nonsense. We're bringing them "Order and Progress"
having mass evictions, cleaning the streets of all the homeless
Ahh... gentrification: those favelas are on prime real estate.
You see the World Cup provides a perfect pretext these days
to take away liberties and impose a police state, increased surveillance,
special forces, laws and courts to prosecute protesters.
And all these measures will remain long after the end of the festival.
- But won't Brazil be left with chaos and tremendous debt to owe?
- Sure, that's why our stadiums were designed with a special second role:
to be converted into massive prisons after the final whistle blows.
- Incredible. - These are just a piece of the benefits THIEFA brings to Brazil,
and that's why many others compete to host the World Cup as well:
Russia, you're next to foot the damn bill; and then me and Sepp Blatter
we'll take the show direct to...
the slave kingdom of Qatar!
- Now, hang on, Mr. De Berg. I'm no expert, I'm aware of this.
But I thought this sport was supposed to be all about fairness.
- Why did you think that we call it the World Game?
- Um... - You see all those fans out there in the ranks, or watching TV,
backing their team, chanting 'Ole', giving their flags a passionate wave?
They think they're spectators, but in fact they're in the actual game.
- They are? - Let's get the true score in the match of the day
by chatting with national team captains - G'day
- Tony Abbott, tough match? - Ah, not really, ah, Billy,
We've ah used the best tactics, and come away with the ah victory.
- The opposition didn't really stand a chance tonight. - That's right.
You might have expected the Australian people to have a bit more fight.
But their fatal own goal, was to vote Tony in the last election
'coz even though the Australian economy was the ah envy of everyone
and we sailed through the GFC with a Triple A rating,
I still slashed the budget for pensions, unemployment, health and education
by making up some crap about fiscal emergency.
- A fake dive! That's even better acting than the Italian team.
- this strategy should ah put us ahead in the World Game.
Coz without education, the next ah generation of Australians
will most probably become a bunch of ignorant fuck-witted suppositories,
even more obsessed with sport. That's great for the economy.
- Spoken like a true World Game captain, but will Australia be champion?
What about the result in your match, Mr David Cameron?
- Fair play, Aussies. Not bad: giving the people minimal funding
But to really give them a thumping you need a criminal function
That's what England's got in the form of the elite City of London
whose bankers catalysed the GFC with their corrupt international plundering
But we don't punish them, instead we stiff the English people with penalty kicks,
and impose a rigid round of society-killing austerity hits.
Plus: we corner them with poor diet, poor education and tabloid media images,
making those idiots blame their situation on the poor and on immigrants.
- Excellent game, but now the heavyweights are ready to play:
First, the USA. Acting captain, John Kerry, Secretary of State
- Billy-boy, we might suck balls at soccer, but we dominate the league table
in beating down our own people... - Lethal. What's your game plan procedure?
- We seek to outmanoeuvre them in every position we take up:
In defense, we use illegal homeland surveillance of data.
In the midfield, we've possess the best strikers at propaganda,
they've even managed to convince folks that Snowden's a traitor!
Heck, we've scored so many goals against Americans,
the other teams are scrambling to imitate us, but they barely can!
- Don't speak too soon John, there are some strong players in this game,
like last tournament's reigning champions: Spain
- Hola, somos 'En Números Rojos', the Spanish home team.
Soy Mariano Rajoy, el capitan. In twenty ten we took the football trophy.
But our biggest victory was to squeeze public liquidity
and to deprive el pueblo, not just of money, but of their dignity.
Now our unemployment is the best, two in three youths feel the strain
of no job or prospects of change unless they choose to Emigrate.
- That's an even better score than Greece when they led the way.
- The others are not bad; but Spain's the true champions of the World Game.
- World Game? huh! wait till I make the world's climate change;
- Raise austerity! - Print more money! - 98 percent!
- So much passion, but which will be the winning team?
- Don't you see? They're all winners, that's why we sing...
Put your slave flags in the sky
And wave them side by side
Show the world where you are from
Show the world we have won
-It's my world, our world, the whole world's our game.
And we coerce the whole world, whole world to play.
These flags were made so you'd fight yourselves
instead of us and so the world, whole world's our game.
- One night, watch the world divide
- Two sides, one fight and a million lies
- You 'tards, gonna get screwed hard
- Screw all the people, fists up to the sky
(Hey hey hey!) - Fascists, fascists, come on sing with me.
(Hey hey hey!) - Only slaves heed nationalities
(Hey hey hey!) - Come on now! (Hey hey hey!)
- Come on now! (heil heil heil! heil heil!)
Put your slave flags in the sky (- put em in the sky - show us where you are)
and wave them side by side (- come on, slaves - now don't be shy)
Show the world where you are from (- show em you are owned, - we own you, baby)
Show the world we have won (One... world... lie...)
- Well, viewers, our coverage of the World Coup is finishing.
Boa noite, Brazil. And good luck to you, for another ordeal is imminent:
Once this concludes, you'll have to go through the Olympic predicament.
Rest assured we'll be back with another report to deliver then.
So what does our love of sport say about the world we're living in?
Perhaps we crave its ideals of fairness; its level playing fields;
Its respect for the law's limits; the fact that the rules are legitimate
and, unlike in life, clearly written and known to all participants.
If we played by those principles, not just in the stadium,
but day to day in our courtrooms, boardrooms and government chambers
it would truly be a game changer on the actual world stage.
Now in that sport, you could count me as an avid fan. Good day.
Captions created by .koolfy -INSERT LANGUAGE HERE- translation by -INSERT NAME HERE-